I struggle with the endless scream coming from deep within me while this whole process moves in such slow motion. I ignore the screaming most of the time, much like I feel my screaming was and is ignored by the people who should be hearing it. And acting. All those dreams I have had where I am screaming out for help but apparently no one can hear me. No one notices me, the way my face looks when I’m screaming like this, guttural and raw. What’s wrong with these people? In my nightmares and in real life, when my screaming is ignored…I keep screaming. It hurts that no one notices. So I scream again because how much more can you hurt me?. Stop! Listen! Someone just stop this game. Every week that ticks over makes the pain worse.
My employer, the largest public sector employer in Australia, has denied, dismissed or excused what has been done to me at every level. I keep repeating it because I just cannot believe that it’s true. I researched who my boss needed to contact, where he could get information (I knew he was utterly out of his depth in the job of Principal at all, and I thought if I pointed him in the right direction, he’d do the right thing). That bit me on the arse later because when his conduct was investigated (cough) one of the things mentioned was that he called the right people. I fucking know he did. I printed out the fucking numbers.
What do you do with this anger? Mindfulness would tell me that I can accept the anger as a feeling and still exist as I am. I am more than this white hot rage and endless scream. I almost believe that now. But now what? Do you open it up? Let it out? I have some pretty weird thoughts and feelings. I imagine revenge and retribution scenes which I would never act upon. But I can honestly say that I understand how that gate opens for some people. Bad things will happen. But if a group of people with some power collectively tell someone it was their fault; they are liars, isolate and lie, pervert investigations and spread malicious gossip about the victim; they violate them over and over. And it is worse than the original violation. Good people can only take so much. That kind of intense pressure, the whole world grinding you down and taunting you, might turn you into a diamond. But it might crush you for good. Make you crack. Explode. I remember the day I fell out of the car after working all day at school and dodging him, having him watch me through the window all day. I sat in the driveway and thought, This is why people cut themselves. This is the feeling. Every cell in my physical body is exhausted from the fight. I need to release this or stop this or distract myself or I will die.
I realised the other day that I could feel the deep, deep desperation that eventually snaps people. You don’t have to call anyone. I’m not going to light a fire. But I’m afraid I have an understanding of how people get there. It’s a scary feeling. Terrifying. I think that this feeling is closely linked (for me, anyway) to suicide ideation. It’s desperate. It’s agony. It’s the end of the endless scream.
I’ll keep fighting for another end to the endless scream. But I’ve been reminded lately that the screaming girl is actually just a blink away. With additional pressure, another insulting hoop to jump through comes the raw, aching, hoarse screams. The anger. The frustration. The hurt. The howling.
It is what drives me on when I could quit. But it is also my outer limit. A reminder that I might reach that point one day. I’m getting ready for the next round of appointments and justifying my state of mind to prove that the psychological injury is *still* there. And it reminds me that it most certainly is still there. I have got to find out what to do with this anger. It’s contained by force right now, inside my chest. I’m sitting on it, jumping on it, telling it to shut the hell up. But I have to admit that I need to get help to make sure this thing doesn’t escape. God, this is scary, holding this force inside. I need to make some calls tomorrow…