I haven’t slept as well since I published the last post, showing off about my dreamy slumbers. Typical, hey? I’ve started a few posts and left them as drafts which I haven’t done before, either. I’m someone who ties up loose ends. I need closure. To tick things off the list. It calms me. Gives me a sense of control. So I don’t like this feeling much.
I have been spending some wonderful one-on-one time with my little man, which is extremely fulfilling. I feel time moving in slow motion with all of this work stuff but his growth and our ever-deepening relationship is whizzing past me – too fast. It’s a bit strange to schedule crying or my own tantrum for after his bedtime but it works pretty well. I feel pressure (from myself) to give him the mother he deserves, the best of me, and keep the adult stuff away from him. Sometimes I am worn out by the rollercoaster of Workcover and investigations but we are a twosome and I have to take a rain check on the part where I look after myself. I’m not complaining…not even close. These are fleeting moments in a wonderous, life affirming mother and child relationship. I’ve said before that this has saved me from myself more than once. It is my job to protect him from my pain and show him that I live by the values I want him to cherish. I want him to stand up for himself – and others without power – which means navigating my way through the debris they throw at you when you speak up. I want him to know that courage is soldiering on in the midst of that fear. It’s okay to be upset and afraid. It’s how you handle it that counts. And there’s nothing wrong with learning as you go. Nobody’s perfect.
These notions of integrity and fairness that I am trying to live day-to-day help me put one foot in front of the other but there is a kind of pressure building. I don’t think about that (where’s the room in my head?) until someone drops the proverbial cherry on top. Like the other day. I was confronted with something that shook me…got me where it hurts. And on top of the already simmering pot of emotions and battles…well, I am only human. I needed a shoulder.
My initial impulse was to curl up and, as my mother would say, hibernate. Go all ‘Castaway’ and remove myself from the rest of the world. Bunker down. This often works. Somewhere safe I can lick my wounds, put things into perspective or take some positive action. On the odd occasion, it can cause me to lash out and almost fight with the world at large. Until I am strong again. But this time I tried something different. I reached out.
I knew there was someone I could go to and that they would take me as I came; crying, angry or just sitting in their presence. Being. Feeling safer and supported whilst I felt so vulnerable. I thought to myself, ‘This is different, isn’t it?’. Trusting another. Enough to just turn up at your weakest and that is all they need from you. Even better if they are similar/perceptive/clever enough to react in a way that is right for you. I don’t think it is based on length of time you know someone or anything. Who knows what it is? Almost like a complementary chemistry. An open soul who offers you a safe place to land. Just the knowledge of such a possibility is often enough to comfort you through the tears. I think such a find is nothing short of a miracle.
When I am most vulnerable and anxious I seek three things; chocolate, the chance to talk and a feeling of safety to be so vulnerabley me. Rest assured, I can get chocolate at any time. That’s not the tricky one. The other day this person was my safe place and I knew I could turn up and JUST BE. And they are a new addition to my secret arsenal in this regard. Which makes me feel better just for the knowing.
I am grateful for this person, and what they were able to be for me, in a very big way.