If you know me, you’ll know I am terrible with directions. I get where I need to go, eventually. But I can’t make snap decisions, with the cars behind me, left or right?
I recently had another assessment with the insurance company’s elected psychiatrist. Part of the 90-day cycle to decide whether I am fit for work yet (read: if they still have to pay me). It was…ok. It’s a really shitty hour, though, to just describe the crappiest things about your life, your thoughts. It’s the reverse job interview.
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Medicated and alone”
Not like I used to say.
I didn’t use those exact words, it’s ok. This time I said, “This is shit. I want a future. I want my pride back. I need to find what it will take to get my pride back. I need to do this”. I’m bored with feeling useless. I’m tired of being embarrassed to be seen. Of having no plans. Of seeing no awesomeness in my future. My natural inclination, my core belief is that I have a collection of awesome*. I have a wide variety of interests and passions. These could be carved into career options for me. When a teacher yelled out, “You’ve just ended your career!” across the staffroom on my last day, I laughed and said that unlike her, I was able to do more than one thing and I was already more qualified than almost anyone there. I was still a bit sassy then [chuckles] and I was disgusted at the assertion that I had to eat the proverbial crap in order to survive. But that’s pretty indicative of the insular world some people in education (and the world) live in. One of the things I’m proud of is that I surprised them all so much.
“If you say anything, you’ll never earn a dollar anywhere, ever!” If I had less fire in me, maybe they would have made me thus. But the anger alone could drive me into my next chapter. Fuck yeah. Oh, the anger…!
It’s still there. The fury. The imaginary swings I take at them. I have some work to do there. Still trying to find out how to manage that. The right professional to help.
But the urge to become more than this experience (how do you even word this stuff?) is building up. I google jobs. Where am I going? Who will I be?
Do I really have to go back to school for the third time for pity’s sake? I mean, I love being a student. But even I have limits!
“So what made you choose this course?”
“Oh, prolonged grief and an office full or assholes. You?”
BUT, this is the answer to mental recovery (not to mention financial independence and personal pride). Why? Because I rebuild. For me, I have realised that it would be impossible to ‘recover’ without some professional maintenance. I have always been proud of my qualifications and professional ability. Of the passion to help and work for change. It is integral to my being. It will be my salvation, I guess. And I’ll eventually walk into a workplace with my head held high. I’ll meet new people and be happy to answer when they ask anything after ‘What’s your name?’. If I’m too close to where they are, I don’t even like saying my name!
Also in my new plan is ignoring what the insurance company and lawyers tell me about who I should see for treatment, and making decisions based on what I know is best for me. Revolutionary, isn’t it? But when you are in this cycle of obey-for-pay and being investigated and reported on, you tend to shut up and agree. I’ll have to pay to see this person I know is good for me but as L’Oreal would say, I’m worth it.
- 7 Sources of Inspiration to Propel Your Career Change (clarityapproach.com)
- How A Career Change Improved My Life (boomerandecho.com)
- A Fork In The Road (usfsbblog.wordpress.com)
- it doesn’t matter (pathssplitforareason.wordpress.com)
- The Fork in the Road (steveatwood.wordpress.com)