I’ve been licking my wounds a little and curled up trying to re-energise. He wasn’t just mine to lose of course, but after the passing of such an incredible influence in my life I needed to shut down. Contain the exposure. Minimise the ‘ouch’ factor. If you’re a visual person like moi, imagine the Rock DJ film clip with Robbie Williams. He undresses until he is down to his skin. Then he takes that off, too, and is sinewy and red. Raw. I didn’t say it was a pretty image. I’m feeling that. The tense recoil. The fight or flight readiness is palpable. I’m extra vigilant and it’s tiring. I fantasise about the mindful peace of just being. For a moment. In the moment. I try. I do not like to fail, either. But I can’t seem to fight the physical reactions I have despite moving my internal focus to other things, or nothing at all. I really need to get onto that, pronto! I see the problem, there. I MUST MASTER mindful thinking ASAP. Ah, needing instant fulfilment. I need peace immediately, I tell you! Ok, it would be helpful if I could work at attaining a more mindful existence. Or something.
I am guessing this is not unfamiliar to you if you are reading this. Anxiety control. Bringing yourself back into the now rather than trapped in your own bad memories or wound like a spring waiting for the lid to spring open and the uncontrollable future that is so scary to send us spinning into the unknown.
I used to be excited and inspired by the ‘unknown’. To me it meant possibility. Opportunity. I could create anything I set my heart on. I’m jaded. Not unfairly so, considering the experiences, but ’tis sad nonetheless that that spark has gone. I was onto a good thing, people! Who moved my cheese??
The raw, flexed tightness of my nerves is made worse by the feeling I’m walking a tightrope. This stuff has me pushing the limits of my reserve and there’s nothing left for the rest of my life. You overtake me on the road? I’m ready to snap. Some mention of a family issue? I’m ready to fall in a heap. This THING has sucked my lifeforce, my mojo. Put me under pressure about something else and I am going to bite! I don’t usually snap so quickly. I don’t like the feeling. It’s too volatile. I just want to be breathing and smiling. Not ready to fight. Not looking for the nearest exist. Just me. Calm enough to exist and live my real life. I can ‘take the power back’ in theory but in the midst of the chaos, conflicting emotions and beating myself up over what I should have done, I’m going around in circles. Way less fun than a merry go round. I love merry go rounds.
I’m feeling like having a tantrum. I feel like my words have a pouty, petulant tone tonight. Bugger it. I am pouting. I’m mad. Pissed off. Annoyed. Worn out. Tired. Doubtful. Snappy. I want my Court Jester back. My Little Miss Giggles. My hippy, Oprah-esque, glass half full and I’m thankful to live in a country I may have a glass of water freely type thinking. That’s the real me. The optimist. Dreamer. I would like to get of this ride, please, and I’d like a refund thanks. I can’t tell what they are, and I don’t see how the hell I’m going to do it, but I know there must be better things for me to be thinking about, doing, living out loud.
If you see my hippy dreamer, can you tell her I’m here and I’d love to know how to connect again. Miss her and I’m tired of the heavy grey cloud. I’ll keep going though, if you think there’ll be a rainbow around the corner?