I’m on the downward slide today. Tonight is not a good one. I’ve been feeling a bit unwell with a cold and I think that sapped what energy I had. I don’t think I have mood ‘swings’ as such but how I feel tonight is like my body letting out a huge sigh. I just brushed away a tear and made myself go to bed but I’m doing things without thinking like I just brushed my teeth twice. I didn’t think oh, that’s silly. I thought, you stupid cow. You don’t even know what you’re doing.
How I’m typing this is a miracle.
I got into bed and just thought how selfish I must be because I have blankets on my bed and I’m crying but outside here tonight there are hundreds of people sleeping rough. No blanket. No home. So I feel like an asshole. Where’s the line for getting a balanced view of the world and your own pain or struggle? People need to remember things like homelessness to put other things into perspective but I use things like that against myself. As if when I feel down, unsure about what is required of me next from The System, or overwhelmed (trying to be perfect), I am actually being self indulgent. That’s not how it feels inside, it’s quite unenjoyable to feel like the weight of bricks on your chest, hard to breath. But my thoughts keep repeating that I must be a selfish so-and-so. You can see this doesn’t get me very far; feel down, feel like an asshole, feel down that I’m an asshole and so on.
I don’t even know if this makes sense tonight. I’ve been saying for ages that I think it is mostly about the anxiety, not depression now. Tonight makes me wonder. Then worry. Then feel silly.
Shut the hell up.
Stupid grey, sad sighs. Always catch me by surprise!
This post is crap but I feel a bit lighter for having spat it out. Better than a Scotch, eh?
Photo credit here