An Angry Aside

I’m just putting my mountain of papers together and remembered that the lawyer needs the records from the flawed industry-specific investigation that never was (big bosses looking into my claims of misconduct by the rapist, the boss who was present and told him to get into bed with me, etc). I know now that my claims never held much interest for the ‘big cheese’ and his paltry findings reflect this. Just when I think I’m ok I read a sentence or two and I am right back in that room, being touched and fighting him off. I just read that SHE said I never said anything, never said ‘Get off me’ or swore at him. Never fought him off. From zero to a zillion on the rage-o-meter. It crushes my heart and soul, all that I tried to be heard, all that I put myself through. And the ‘findings’ were that EVEN THOUGH THE PERPETRATOR PLED GUILTY, my female boss who denied all knowledge and no finding of misconduct could be made. What a fucking humiliation. He admits he did something that he knew was against my will, but she says no and that’s where the leave it. It makes me so angry. Seething. I feel violent. You lying bitch. She goes on to deny that she knew anything for another six months. I TOLD HER AS SOON AS HE LEFT THE ROOM. SHE KNEW HE WAS IN MY BED. Is this normal work practice anywhere? I honestly wish her dead. A hundred times over. I don’t know how to exist while she still works there and sleeps soundly at night. While I cry, lock myself in the house and take Valium.

The industry bosses asked me as soon as I disclosed if I would go to the media. What? I said. I’m ashamed enough, thanks.

Photo credit here

I know why they asked now. There’s not much hope of being heard any other way. Trial be media might be the only chance I ever get to let people see and hear what happened to me. How they lied, pressured me and slowly killed me. Worse than the sexual crimes committed, worse than the stalking, was being told to shut up. Go away. No one believes you. And we will stick by each other. We were here before you.

I wish I could scream their names like Bastian screams into the wind in The Neverending Story. If people knew the positions they held, the jobs they have, surely they would be outraged. Surely someone would say, This should never have happened to you. These people failed you. And they should not maintain employment in such an important role in the community. With vulnerable people. If they treated me like that, an educated adult, would you have faith in their abilities/motives when they are working with our most important humans.

I had to post this because I really felt like doing something stupid but my little child looks up at me, waiting for dinner, and I have to soldier on. Thanks, blog. You just saved me one more time.

4 thoughts on “An Angry Aside

  1. i cannot even begin to imagine the emotions you are feeling… to go through sexual assault is hard enough. To not be believed, or heard, or acknowledged must be a million times harder and then some. Nothing I can say will come close to offering comfort, so all i really can say is I hear you, Im standing with you.

    • Honestly, I cannot thank you enough for stopping to express a kind of understanding that I have been so desperately craving throughout this time. It soothes the wild anger that sometimes takes me over and helps me to feel stronger. There are not enough words to adequately thank you for giving me that – but it means the world. Thank you.

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