The Wonky Wheel of Life (SYL W4)

This post has taken some time due to technical difficulties…with my brain.  I realised the main thing is the thought behind the post, not the presentation of the diagram (seriously, why can’t I paste it in here??) so here are the results:

The scores are out of 5, 5 being the highest.

Photo credit here

Home: 4/5  I am very happy with my home, the environment I have created here with the Little Dude.  We have moved three times in his two years so it’s about bloody time!  This house feels safer and closer to the people that matter.  We have plenty of room, the creature comforts which make summer and winter less scary.  We have happy times here.  We snuggle in the mornings and we are close to all of the fun things we would ever want to do.  It’s more rent than I would wish but that’s the price of living closer to my family.  We tried further out and cheaper.  It’s lonely.  I would like to stay here for at least another year to let the dust settle a bit.  Please.

 

Photo credit here

Body: 2/5  Physically, I am pretty unhealthy.  I am lazy.  There’s no two ways about it.  I don’t like to sweat.  I stress-eat.  I comfort-eat. I eat to stay awake.  I inhale chocolate.  My inactivity is frightening since being unable to work.  I had a busy job where I was involved in physical activity throughout the day and rarely sat down to eat.  Now, I am home all of the time.  Due to the ‘what happened to me at work’ drama and resulting PTSD I feel more tired than I should.  With so much counselling and assessment by the insurance company, etc, I am often mentally worn out.  Quality of food and health suffers first.

I don’t engage in any classes or activities because I am still unable to get myself to feel brave enough to meet new people and BE SEEN.  It makes me feel ashamed.  How hard is it to GO OUTSIDE?  But the workplace and connected community is close by and I pretty much live in fear of being ‘recognised’ or gossiped about.  A lot of the time, I really can’t handle the idea of being looked at at all.  I just DON’T WANT TO BE NOTICED.  I signed us up for swimming lessons to start tomorrow and I bet you I chicken out 😦  I need to look after myself. For Little Dude and myself.  But I’m not.  And I’m not yet convinced I will try too hard.  This needs a LOT of attention.  The 2 I did score was because I’m not, by nature, a body-hater.  I call fat ‘curves’, I like having them and I consider myself some kind of superhero for being able to carry and nourish another human being!  I mean, seriously… So that 2 is for the basics, function and general form.  But inside, the poor thing is tired and sluggish.

Spirit: 3/5  This part of me has received a lot of attention through PTSD, counselling and mindfulness.  I have HAD to concentrate on my spirit to keep myself strong (strong-ish?  strong-er?).  I am thankful for that.  Hey, I’m only human, so it is always going to be a work in progress, isn’t it?

Photo credit here

Family: 4/5  This is probably too generous and my family is all sorts of wrong in many ways.  But in the last year the most important bunch of us have banded together in a way that I didn’t think possible.  My Mum and I are closer and have grown to become more alike – meet in the middle, if you like.  For the last 31 years I have thought we were from different planets and we have been ‘estranged’ before.  I think I have referred to this in another post; the women in my family have proven to be stronger, more resilient and a source of real pride for me of late.  The gentlemen – well – they are not playing active roles any longer.  If they did before.  The difference is that my expectation of them has changed.  I came to a place where I decided that I needed/deserved/sought a basic level of respect, interaction and reciprocity.  They could choose to meet me there or I’d let go of the wanting…which was so painful and an eternal disappointment.  I’m sad that my father behaves as though I don’t exist any more but I don’t feel the aching any more, the loss, the gap.  It’s easier than the roller coaster ride with my fingers crossed.  Regarding my brother…I am safer mentally and physically away from him.  More self preservation than a loss.

As for making my own family, as I’ve also said before, I would of course have preferred that Little Dude’s Dad and I were in love and we could be in the same house.  But he was kinda a mixture of my father and brother now that I look at it.  Sooooo, self preservation, yeah. Had to let that ship sail.  Okay, push it away from the dock.  He can still be who he should be for the Little Dude.

I couldn’t be happier with my Little Man and I.  If it goes that one day, someone is special enough to be a part of that, so be it.  But if Mr Little is to be the only man in my life – I’ll die a contented lady.

Photo credit here

Friends: 2/5  This is a tragic area, much like my physical health 😦 When things get really hard I have tended to distance myself from friends (“Save yourselves!  Don’t hang around for this garbage!”)  and with what happened at work a few years ago I not so much backed away as was catapulted into a dark corner.  Singled out.  As the Police got involved, I held on to a couple of friends for dear life.  But falling into the kind of pit sexual violence tips you into makes it hard to keep close relationships.  I figured I was an embarrassment, ‘too much work’, a bit of a downer, ‘obsessed’ with my ‘situation’…the list goes on.  A few months ago I actually wrote ‘goodbye’ letters to the last couple who were left.  ‘Dear Madam, You are better off without me.  I am a drag.  Best wishes’.  It felt HIDEOUS but sort of a relief.  I had saved them the trouble.  Released them.

Photo credit here

That acted as a catalyst for them to make contact and for me to say ‘er, I need you around’.  They said I wasn’t a disaster friend and I chose to believe that.  I have sought out an old friend on purpose even though I wanted to hide from her.  I have always seen her as an example of a strong, successful woman and when we’re together we are A-MAH-ZING.  She would have been a wonderful life saver during the worst of THE TROUBLES but I would never have dreamt of involving her.  Welcome to my nightmare.  Missed me?  She’s one of those golden ones, the friend that you can miss for years but when you are in the same room, it’s all the way it used to be.  I am very grateful for her renewed presence in my life.  I just have to keep on it this time.  Not send her away.  She can save herself if she needs to..!

Career: 0/5  Not surprisingly, this is the ICU of my life.  The empty saloon with a tumbleweed rolling past.  It’s a cemetery.  And this is a HUGE problem for me.  I have been at school for EVER.  I love to learn, study and build on my skills.  I have drawn a lot of strength and pride from my employment experiences in the past.  It was 99% of my identity.  I had BIG PLANS.  I was excited and inspired.  I wanted to be in leadership roles, inspire and support.  At this moment, I have a five year blank in my CV (I lowered myself to ask those feckers for a reference and they LAUGHED).  More than that, I have lost all confidence in myself and my worth as an employee.  Who’s going to take me one?  A ‘dobber’?  A whistle-blower?  A troublemaker?  All that I worked for and all that I was is ashes.  Who am I from now on? I.  See.  No.  Light.  Here.  I haven’t given up.  I just don’t have the strength to tackle this yet.

Photo credit here

Looks to me upon quick reflection that I need to work on looking after and valuing THE SELF (physical/career/purpose).  Eeek.  That sounds HARD.  But I don’t like to fail and I refuse to give up so 2012 will no doubt see me delve into my bag of tricks for some new ideas here.  I hope that the saga ends legally and I can become inspired about my abilities again.

 

3 thoughts on “The Wonky Wheel of Life (SYL W4)

  1. Thanks for this post! It’s a reminder that we could all be more mindful of how we feel and take stock of the good and bad things in our lives. You’re working on the bad stuff and being grateful for the good things, even if they’re small, and that is inspiring! You don’t give yourself enough credit though. You’re a golden one too. Love xxx

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