When I first sat down to set this blog up, I had only looked at one post on one person’s blog before. I didn’t want what I created to be influenced by what I had seen or read…just what I felt drawn most strongly to. After a couple of posts I have thought, actually, I might have saved a moment or two by glancing at someone else’s work if only to establish some technical understanding. Ah, well…I picked a blog at random from something on Twitter and it was from someone who was in week two of 52 weeks to simplify your life 2012. Week two is about drawing out core values that drive you, are important in your life. Two ideas stood out and both gave me physical reactions which have led to me to write this post and try to jump in myself. The first thing this blogger said was that there was a Spanish word, duende, which she explained as “the spirit of evocation. It comes from inside as a physical/emotional response… It is what gives you chills, makes you smile or cry as a bodily reaction to an artistic performance that is particularly expressive… the human condition of joys and sorrows.” Now I am ordinarily a bit of a word nerd. It’s part of the reason I love reading so much and I have been known to write down words that excited me as I read, to collect them and enjoy them. I warned you: word nerd. And the meaning of this word in particular – how exciting! Like I said, it gave me a physical reaction. Inspiration. Another thing she mentioned was enjoying the transience of life. That the fluidity of living and “enjoying the rest stops along the way” were a source of joy for her. Reading this blogger’s musings on Contentment as a core value soothed me. Her words worked, had an effect on me. A sense of momentary serenity…a deep breath…sigh of recognition and a little smile. I am so grateful that I decided to click on that link and read those words. Now I, too, would like to try to simplify my life in order to more effectively manage the really tough stuff headed my way in 2012.
There are some immense battles ahead this year that will draw me from the safety of my cocoon. I am afraid. I have spent the last few years hiding myself. Terrified that another person would see me, judge me, hurt me. And I knew I didn’t have the reserves to deal with that in a reasonable way. So I put my life on pause. Kept my head down and hoped nobody noticed. Needless to say, this is an unhappy way to exist. I had to do it to feel as safe as possible, self-preservation. But I am so looking forward to seeing the light of day again – in more ways than one. I once was a proud, hard-working, passionate example of enthusiasm and smiles. Some suspected mania 🙂 or called me the class clown. But I had fought other battles before and was determined to live a life I could be proud of. So I invested a lot of energy into being the best I could be and expressing my love and gratitude as I felt it – out there for all to see. It was a good way to live. I wasn’t perfect but I know I tried to live up to my potential and worked hard for a career in an area where I might be able to help foster that love of life in others. I lived at the top of that mountain for two months. Two. Months. And then he began to invade my paradise and test my resilience to the very limit.
Five years later I am still angry as hell and feel like that young woman I’m describing is a stranger. I doggedly fought to retain those positive parts of me but five years of investigations, interviews, reports, d.e.t.a.i.l.s repeated and dissected, innuendo and a blackout from my own industry…well, I’m only human *little smile*. But I have a fight in me and I’m feeling stronger. I’m getting ready to come back, step out and feel pride again. Pride may be one of the Seven Deadly Sins but to have any semblance of it stripped away from you, that’s the real sin. And it was almost deadly to me.
I’ll play catch up on the SYL Week 1 and 2 in the next day or so. I look forward to reviewing the last year in a positive way. I look forward to weeding through the stuff I don’t need to carry any more and developing a sense of self that allows a better version of myself to step into 2012. I am grateful for the help (AKA kick up the backside), Debra Dane. Thank you.